A Hug
by PseudonymsR4Squares
Summary: What happened that day in the bathroom, why did I finally admit defeat? Maybe it was the passion fruit, or maybe it was just me. Slash.


A/N: First off, I want to say that I wrote this on a spur of the moment, and I honestly don't have any idea where it's going. I will most likely be flamed for making Ellie depressed (I have been before) but let's remember that she was. I would also like to say that I don't own Degrassi (der.) but I do respect the show (most of the time). Now, this will have elements of slash, so if that's an issue **don't read it.** Now, I'm finished, read on and tell me what you think. This will most likely have, at the very least, a second chapter.

Warnings: Slash (homosexual relationships), cutting, general insanity, may make you cry.

Inspiration : Beautiful by Lifehouse, Come down to me by Saving Jane

As she cut, she cried. It had always been that way, ever since her father left that last time. Ellie couldn't stop thinking, even when she was cutting away all the things in her life. It was a habit, it was a release, it was her demon, it was her savior, cutting had become Ellie and Ellie had become the action of cutting.

Once upon a time, she had tried to stop, that time when Paige caught her in the bathroom. She thought that maybe Paige had cared, but in the end, she was left alone again. No one cared.

It's been months since Paige found out and nothing has changed except for the amount of lines on Ellie's arms. Where there once lay pale skin with only the occasional scar, now there was a battlefield littered with the remains of her pain.

Who would save her now?

Ellie, 3 months before

"Ellie, what you're doing is dangerous. You need help!" Paige said shakily, still shocked to see me doing what she had always joked about.

"Paige, why do you care? Why can't you just go back to the way you were before, away from me?" I stated in monotone, not even bothered by Paige's fear.

"Ellie, you need to talk to someone. This isn't normal!" Paige whispered angrily, staring at my blank face.

I started to walk away, eager to get out from under Paige's eyes. I have never felt guilty about my cutting and I'm not about to start now…

"Ow!" I couldn't help but yell when Paige grabbed my wrist and my newest cut. I could feel my shirt sticking to my cut and I knew that it was going to hurt for a lot longer now.

"Ellie, can't you see what's happening? I don't care if you get mad at me, you need help!" Paige yelled for the first time I could remember and suddenly my numbness wore off, all I felt was anger.

"There is nothing wrong with me! So what, I cut, it's not that big of a deal!" I said and after it came out of my mouth, I couldn't believe I had actually said it. Cutting is a big deal, I know it, Paige knows it, all I did was make it seem like I don't know how serious this is.

All I did was lie, and we both knew it.

What was I supposed to say? I was hurting, I was in pain, and the only thing that helped at all was pain I could **control**. My dad was gone, my mom was constantly drunk, my friends were slowly abandoning me, and I was losing myself. What was I supposed to **say?**

"Paige, I know this isn't something you understand…" I whispered painfully, my eyes clenched shut. "I just…I don't know what else to do."

There, the truth. I put it all out there for her, now I just need to wait.

"Ellie, I…" I could see her swallow, she was obviously as lost for words as I was "I know that you think I don't care, but I do. No one deserves pain, even if they think that they do. Ellie, you don't **deserve **to be hurting like you are. You don't deserve to be hurting at all." Paige's' gorgeous eyes had welled up with tears; it hurt to look at them.

Suddenly I felt. There was no anger, no happiness, only…loneliness. The one thing I hadn't allowed myself to feel since my dad left. The one thing I never allowed myself to feel. The one thing…that was always with me.

I looked into Paige's eyes and felt a tear slip down my cheek. All I wanted to do was cry, it didn't matter that I was in the middle of a hallway, it didn't matter that this way Paige, or maybe it did. Maybe the reason I feel this is because Paige stuck around long enough to get through to me.

Maybe Paige is my savior.

I cried. My eyes blurred with my pain and my cheeks felt like they would never dry after this, but all that mattered was that Paige was with me, she **understood** me.

"Pa-Paige, I'm so sorry. I'm just-I'm so tired. I can't do this anymore, I just can't!" My voice was hitched and breathy. I was still crying and I watched as Paige's tear-blurred figure came toward me. Arms went around me then, and for the first time in months, the warmth of human contact rushed through me.

Paige whispered meaningless things in my ear, telling me everything would be ok, she would take care of me. Her arms around me, her voice in my ear, I had never felt so loved before.

"Thank you" I whispered tiredly. Was I thanking her for saving me? Was I thanking her for sticking around? No, I think that I was thanking her…for that hug. I was thanking her for those sweet nothings whispered in my ear, and the warm arms she put around me, I was thanking her for being there.

As the blade cut into my arm, I knew that there was no coming back this time. I looked at my hands, my simple hands. My hands that had helped, my hands that had hurt, my hands that had always been a part of me. There was blood dripping from my fingers onto the carpet but I couldn't bring myself to care. Who would clean this up once I was gone? Which of my friends would get what?

As the blackness began to creep into my eyes, I pictured honey blonde hair and the bluest eyes I had ever seen. I smelled passion fruit and tasted cherry-flavored lip-gloss. As my carpet went from brown to a dirty red, I felt warm arms wrap around me. I heard myself whisper a soft "thank you" and then I drifted off in a sea of passion fruit and blue that no one but me had ever truly seen or understood.

In my last moments of consciousness, I had thought only of Paige, just like the last months of my life. I never heard the knock on my door from my "for once" sober mom, I never heard her scream, and I never heard the sirens.

All I heard was Paige's soft voice telling me everything would be ok; she'd take care of me.


End file.
